Dare I say it? "Hope; it's paralyzing." I heard this phrase on tv. I have been living under this lie, numbly responding to each new day. Not feeling, seems to make functioning easier. I have thought it now for the past month and the Lord knows my every thought. Why keep it from Him, you; it's real. It is how I feel.
Dare I face it? "...Awakening to joy awakens to pain... they are but two arteries of the one heart that pumps through all those who don't numb themselves to really living." Last night, in my dimly lit room; alone I sat, there. Again, I am just here; I feel little, not wanting to feel, hope, or be disappointed more. My mother-in-law recently gave me the book,
A Thousand Gifts. It is about finding thankfulness in every moment,
eucharisteo. I read the first few chapters wanting to put it down and not feel. Hope seems false, and reading the Word only creates hope. And, how can I not feel hope when I read His Word? Yes, I confess, I have been avoiding God for the past few weeks. Silly and ridiculous, as one cannot avoid the omnipresent God of the universe. However, feeling is painful. Finally; someone understood and I don't feel condemned for my thoughts. Reality; I just want to face it and move on.
The difference, I want to face reality and move on, not having to feel; but eucharisteo calls for feeling pain which means I have to face disappointment. How does one choose
eucharisteo? I know; I grew up in church. I must choose to be content. But, having someone else identify and recognize this hard reality is comfort. We will all face pain; the question is when. Everyone will die, people will disappoint us, our world is fallen; it's only a matter of time until we face this harsh reality. It was late and I didn't finishing reading, but I will. Eucharisteo calls.
Dare I believe it? "Hope against hope... there is no shame in hope." Dare I hope to find I am disappointed again? Will I choose to hope and take the chance that the answer is not what I want or need? God is faithful and always provides; His Word says those very words (above) that sustain me, though my heart wants to run the other way. Ironically, I am unable to run cause the very depths of my heart know God is able. That is why the walls.
However, they will not stand for long. He is able and He is everywhere. Garland twirls up the lampposts in our small downtown, netted lights tangle with the pine trees across the street, and jolly holiday songs play in Walmart. Yes, even before Thanksgiving! Christmas lifts my spirits; and I remember that Christmas is only because of the Savior, His birth. Hope. He came as a Savior, but not as expected. He wants me to hope, though knowing His way is often not as expected. I cannot run and I cannot hide; He is omnipresent and omniscient, so here I am... raw but real.
